Snapchat. That’s something I do when I feel like I need some love.

I go on snapchat. Do a few innocent naked pictures. Get about 6000 views and guys send me little messages saying “You’re beautiful” lalalal. It’s a good pick me up for about ten minutes. Until I realise what I’m doing and how low I’m going just for some happiness.

It makes me feel worse than when I start. Because guys message me and talk to me like I have no heart. They’re all. “Do a video of you fingering yourself.” Talking to me like I’m a porn star and I enjoy doing it and that it turns me on getting videos of them getting themselves off. It doesn’t. I don’t watch the videos. I don’t look at the pictures. I do it for the few heartfelt comments I do get. I got one tonight saying “ Your snaps yesterday about being a good person helped me a lot, I’ve been depressed but knowing that someone like you cares about more than just looks makes me feel better about myself. I can never be attractive but I can be a good person. I volunteered today to join a local charity next week thanks to your snaps yesterday. You are more than just nudity xxx ” and they’re the ones I like. They actually make me feel less shit about myself.

It’s an easy way to get attention. It’s a nice quick fix when I’m feeling real shit about myself. It’s just risky because half the time it makes me feel worse, because people misunderstand me and assume I’m some dumb slut. Most of the time it’s the only appreciation I get, and that’s why I do it. Not because I’m a shallow whore who wants pictures of penises. I just want to be wanted. For my heart. And I want to feel less crap about how I look.

It’s my own fault. I get myself into silly situations because I assume people will think the way I think and see people for their personality and the whole package. I don’t mind people admiring my body. I find it flattering. But I look at people and see everything. Not just reproductive organs. I look at people’s eyes. And see into their little hearts. And I look at the way they hold themselves and how they treat other people. And that’s what I assume other people will do. But they don’t. They just want tits n ass tits n ass.

And that’s my problem. I’m too hopeful. I think people will actually be decent but most the time they’re just total butt sniffs.

xxxxx

Another reason I don’t like being on Facebook is I get jealous of seeing everybody happy and successful. Putting pictures up of them smiling. Travelling. People the same age as me with houses and good jobs. Looking all attractive. Pictures of them all skinny in their bikinis on holidays with their boyfriends. I feel like a massive failure and I feel like I’m a shit mum and that Autumn deserves better. I mean, she’s happy but I wish I could give her the world. Take her on holidays and stuff.

I’m the same with instagram. I avoid going on there at all now. I just get jealous so easily of other girls. If a guy has a girlfriend I’ll hide all pictures of them together. When pictures I don’t like come up on Facebook I either hide them or block the person. I am so ridiculously sensitive and I hate myself for it. One picture can easily ruin my entire day. I’m just a pussy.

That’s all I have to say. Little insight into my brain there. xxxxx

I made another blog. We’ll see how long this one lasts. I had one before but I had a bit of a meltdown and deleted it.

I’ve made this this time because I like to vent. I use my Facebook statuses a lot but I don’t like everybody thinking I’m a pain in the arse and getting tired of my shit and so I get really frustrated and don’t know what to do. I delete my Facebook when I get upset to stop me from going nutty on my statuses. Lots of people say, “ah you can always vent to me.” but they’d get bored of it. My mind is negative a lot of the time and I don’t like people seeing that side to me.

That’s pretty much it for this post.

xxxxx